Its been five years, and the thoughts still consume my mind. Not as much as they used to, but the little voices inside my head, the ones that yell at me about the
food I eat, still exist. They never seem to go away, and I doubt that they ever will.
Its been five years of doctors appointments, arguments, tears, therapists, highs and lows five years of people thinking Im vain, obsessed, and selfish. Ive had to deal with people judging me on my weight fluctuations and how frequently I go to the gym; whether I choose that side of fries or opt for the acai bowl. Its been five years of hearing that only people who belong to the middle-upper class have issues with food and that I dont have a real problem that Im just going through a phase because in California eats super healthy and loves being fit. Yet, these five years Ive been misunderstood because my eating disorder isnt really about how much I weigh, the size I wear, or what I eat its about the lack of control that I have in my
life and a coping mechanism for when things seem to be slipping through my fingers.
I thought that I had finally closed the door on the disorder that shares the same name as me about a year ago. That I had
finally fully recovered. That I could enjoy any type of food whenever I wanted. That the number on the scale didnt mean anything to me. That I had forgotten the calorie count of every food that I could potentially consume. That I was finally living life like I was supposed to.
I had never really believed that I would have to deal with Ana for the rest of my life, that every day would be a battle. I thought that I would be able to recover and forget about that part of my life and move on.
But I was wrong and they were right. Every day is a continuous battle. Some days I win. Some days I lose. But the voices inside my head are always there.
As I reflect back on this past year, I can clearly see all of the red flags of relapse. Skipping meals. Working out excessively. Not going out to social gatherings. Making up a slew of excuses to not eat. Lying. Saying Im too full. Cutting out food groups. Trying to be a vegetarian. Spending hours in front of the mirror. Weighing myself daily. Starving myself to make up for a bad day of eating. Not eating during the day to make sure I dont go above my calorie budget during a night out. Trying on all my clothes to make sure they still fit. The list can go on and on but the truth is that Ive been living this past year in denial.
Fortunately for me, I had been brave enough to share my past with a few of my close friends and they were able to see the signs. Did they really understand why I was struggling so much with the way my body looked? Absolutely not. But they had learned how to provide their support and were able to subtly make sure I didnt fall back into a spiral of darkness. They were the ones that provided the reality checks, the ones that knew that I needed to hear the truth, no matter how much it hurt.
And thats the thing about eating disorders they dont just destroy you, they also hurt those who are close to you because they dont understand whats truly wrong.
They dont understand how someone they love and respect so much could do so much harm to themselves. How someone they look up to could be so ashamed of their body. How someone they see as an inspiration and role model cant see their true reflection when they look in a mirror. How someone who is confident about the way they look in public and who seemingly doesnt care about what people think about them can go home and have no sense of worth. How someone can appear to be so strong but is slowly dying on the inside. How someone who they think is beautiful inside and out doesnt believe them. And it hurts them to see someone who they care about struggling so much with their sense of self worth.
So this is me sharing my struggles. This is me accepting the reality check that my friends gave me this past weekend. This is me realizing that I need to make a change in my life to stay healthy. That my life’s worth living and that I have so much potential. That relapsing will only bring back the pain and emptiness that I experienced just a few years ago as I was fighting for my life.
But this is mostly me pleading you to take three minutes out of your day to talk to someone a friend, a family member, a coworker who you think might be struggling. Be the person who is willing to hear them despite the uncomfort you might feel while having the conversation. Because this isnt about you. Its about them. And in those three minutes, you could be saving someones life.